A Letter for Mom.

Dear Mom,

I hope this letter find you well. I dont wanna be melodramatic by writing this letter but I have to say, I have been thinking abouth death more than usual.

Remember, my dream to be an architect? I always wanted to be an architect. I always dream to build a home where my family can live and I also made a smaller cottage in the backyard for you to live with me all the days of our lives. I remember I can just hop to your cottage and see you playing with my kids. That was the dream. It had been long crushed when you died.

I havent had any dream since it died with you. I went to an education faculty, you know. I was educated to be a teacher like my brothers and sister always tought I would. I am actually a teacher now. God knows how I hate little children before I became a teacher, they are sneaky monster who would constantly nag around my peaceful life. In fact, I have been a teacher for the past 10 years, minus 1 year as a principal. Yeah, mom, can you believe that? I. Was. A. School. Principal. Crazy, huh? I bet you would be proud of me. I have never made you proud before. But that did not go well. If teaching little children is a nightmare, then teaching teachers is all hell break loose! Teachers are the worst type of students.

Anyway, I am in Spain, right now. Taking masters degree in Education. I got a partial scholarship last year. And now, I am in my second year.  I spent almost the whole year last year in Europe, in Denmark. I would say, not every Indonesian could get this opportunity. I got lucky. God is good. Is He next to you right now?

Why I have been thinking about death lately is because I am living a life where not much people could enjoy, but I am not enjoying it as I think I would. People call me ungrateful. So, I shut my mouth about all my problems. Because whenever I say something about my problem they would point out all these great things I am having. Perhaps they thought living in Europe equals to not having any problem anymore. I dont know how they could get to that conclusion. But they have some point there as well I have to admit.

I am having problem in getting a husband. I think I would never have one. I just had a major heartbreak again. This one is awful. I might never recover. I am at peace with it now, but I am not sure about Dad or my brothers and sister. It’s non of their business and they are giving me so much space in this issue. I really appreciate them so much. Btw, Dad fell when he was about to go to the bathroom. He was in the hospital for a week. I had facetime with him when my sister was there in the hospital. He said I should not worry and that I should focus on my study and that he would be discharged in no time. Maybe, his getting older made me think about death as well. I dont know what will happen to me if he goes to see you.

Anyway, enough for sad stories. Europe is really beautiful Mom. I sometimes still could not believe a poor girl like me could ever see Europe. Remember the time I asked you to buy me a donut in Dunkin Donuts? We never had that kind of donut before. We could not afford these kind of food. But you said yes. And we each had a donut. But remember, the girl who served us, she laughed at us when I said 2 donuts and not 2 dozens. I was so hurt by her laughter. Why did she laugh at people buying two donuts? If you are here, I could buy you as much donuts as you want. I would take you to see The Eiffel Tower. It is not so beautiful, btw. You would love The Flower Garden in Puncak better than The Eiffel Tower. Oh, I am sure you would love Jungfraujoch though. But it is very cold. I am not sure you can handle the cold.

I miss you so much Mom. It has been 16 years. I wish to see you soon, but unfortunately that’s not my call. I will try my best to be on track so I will see you there. Things might go south anytime. But I guess you are protecting me from up there. Thank you. You are the best mom here and there. I love you.

 

LOVE AND HUGS,

Your daughter