I feel…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…oh well, the picture is a self-explanatory one. You get the point. #deep sigh

 

 

Carpe Diem

/,kärpā ‘dē,em/

Exclamation

Used to urge someone to make the most of the present time and give little thought to the future.

in control?

I have been always in control. Well, at least as far as it’s for anybody’s concern. But last week, I hoped it was because of hormone, I cried in front of my students.

I wrote on the board for instructions and I just sat on teacher’s seat. I stared at the floating invisible air in front of me, ignoring my students’ question regarding to the task on the board. I did not know for how long. But I stoned there for a while. I realized my right eye just dropped a tear. I was not capable to move a muscle but I did realize faces that turned from books to me. My students noticed it. I sensed they were about to say something about it when another drop fell down. And in a split second, the frenzies bursted in. My students were restless. And I jumped off my seat and flied to the teacher’s restroom and I cried.

Well, I guessed one cannot always be in control. In fact, can one be in control of anything?

Happy Election Day, Jakarta!

May 30, 2012

It is not a regular day. It is 5 pm and I am gazing through the window as I type this post. If it were a regular day, I would be panting and sweating at my aerobics class. It is a day of no point. Even if this day ceased to exist, it would not disturb the universe. It is a day to question.

June 1, 2012

Something went wrong when I was typing this post. Somehow I could nott upload my stunning picture, lol, bear with my narcissistic please. 😀

I decided to stick with this post for what I just had earlier. It was 12 p.m. I had a pile of work to do. Item analysis, remarks, report book, stocking up things are to name the few. But instead of doing any of them, I sat still and did nothing. I was really bewildered with myself, as if my brain stopped to work. Then I remembered this post, when I was in the same state.

I had similar experience of brain freeze when I took this photo. I went out with my friends for the entire day and night. We ate, shopped, took photos, watched movies and talked for the whole day. I didn’t know what was on my friends’ mind, but for sure nothing was on mine. 

I guessed I need a therapy. 

mirror, mirror on the wall…

When you look at the mirror. Who are you looking at?

Some people are amazingly able to see their black dots, scar marks and fats instead of their fine cheek and well-constructed nose. Some even have the super ability to dig out failures, desperation and stress out of a pair of brown glassy eyes. Yeah. Most of us success in killing ourselves, our inner self.

I’ll remember where the love was found.

There are times in life that nothing stays in your head but songs. 

There are moments in life that nothing can go out from your mouth but songs.

There are phases in life that nothing resides in heart but songs.

There are occasions in life that nothing remains in soul but songs.

There are seasons… everything is nothing… but songs.

I need a doctor…

I’m about to lose my mind
you’ve been gone for so long
I’m running out of time
I need a doctor
to bring me back to life

It was just another lazy Saturday in front of FOX when I caught this song for the first time. Nice, I thought. Until last couple of weeks, on my way to work, just as usual, I heard it played on my favorite radio channel. And that was for the first time I heard the entire song. I had no trouble recognizing Eminem’s voice. The next thing I knew I was browsing the song in youtube.

Call me quirky, or whatever, but I really got a very deep message from the song. I don’t know whether Dr. Dre and Eminem meant it or not.

My Secret Identity

I am back in Jakarta last week. This is my first encounter with my laptop. If you are writing in life, you will miss writing your life. So, even though my writing materials are not ready, I just cannot hold these fingers from dancing on the keyboard.

I was about to leave my Indo apt (I named it by myself. It is actually an extension of a townhouse where they made several rooms to be rented and provide minimum facilities. Almost like a dorm, but they still have regular house for the owner nearby and it is located in an estate.) When one of the kids there asked her friend about me. She asked, “Who is that woman?” and the opponent answered, “She is Lenti. She is Christian.” (Lenti is my nickname) I overheard their small talk, and I wasn’t sure whether I should be worry or happy.

That was my first time to be identify with 2 sentences like that. The first sentence is just regular. But I never heard myself being identified as Christian. Nu-Uh, not in this country. I tried to think things that I’ve done to that girl or words I’ve said to her that made her stated that second statement. No luck on that. But interestingly, I came up with more identity of me. And here is the list. If you know me, please add more. Or, you can just try to make your own list. It will be fun! 😉

A daughter
A teacher
A Christian
A friend
A blogger
A newbie traveller
A student
An auntie
A church member

A ….

The longer the list the more you understand yourself. If there’s someone in this world that you need to understand, that person is definitely our selves. Enjoy getting to know yourself more!

what made a (wo)man, a (wo)man?

~woman~

Is it her status when she was born?
Is it her natural beauty that she was born with?
Is it her wit and savvy?
Is it her incredible intelligence?
Is it her elegant walks?
Is it her eloquent talks?
Is it how she carry herself among people?
Is is the way she prays to her God?
Is it the way she be friend with her peers?

Please tell me, what makes a woman a woman, I really want to know.

…just a cry from a woman at her weakest point.

The Good Friday!

I was invited, while some others weren’t.
I was warmly welcomed, while some others weren’t.

Good Friday is the moment that I always remember in my heart. While others are so excited welcoming the Good Friday, well… I don’t. (You are not gonna see very in rush status update on my Facebook account) This is simply because I always remember Good Friday in my heart each and every day.

Each and every day…when I pray at nights, when the tears roll down in my cheek, when the heart hurts, when the body shivers, when the throat sore…that is the time I remember that my Jesus loves me so much that He gave himself for me. And for a love that willing to die for someone like me, my consiousness awoke. I shouldn’t have to doubt anything. Shouldn’t have to worry anything. Shouldn’t have to be desperate in anything.

If I hve the courage, I would say: “Your blood runs in my vein dear Lord. Like it or not, my goals is to be like You. When You claim You are Love. Then it will also be my claim. When you are willing to die for people who love you. that will (hopefuly) be my claim as well.”

….yesterday, I met a bestfriend. While we talked, she said that I have becoming a mature young woman. (vica versa) And I agree with her. Really, we can see clearly how your hands work with my life. For that I cannot ask for refund of all the miseries I had been through. There’s a big sigh when we talked about this, Lord. We are seeking for Your devine wills in ourlives, me and my sister. We cried a lot, we went to this place and to other place. we sacrifice time and money, Lord…just to know how to live this life with Your fullness. Sometimes we were down, so low that even together, we cannot bring ourselves up. What we can do is to survive and keep on clinging on Your mighty hands until You, Yourself, brought us up. Sometimes we were up, so high, that we were unable to feel anyone else. So high that nobody matters to us. Lovingly, You brought us down…down to the place we should be. And Sometimes we were just here. Living the life plainly wih all the mediocre and stagnancy of lives. Yet, we still survive.

It is true…it’s Your love that never let us go. And for the rest of my live I want to (learn) to love you back.

“O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that foll’west all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.”